It's the day I've lost several hours of sleep over, wondering what would be in that brown envelope.
So the truth is, I thought I was worrying about what grades I achieved. However, my thoughts quickly changed as I opened the envelope. My grades were amazing! All my hard work really did pay off and for around 10 minutes, I felt happy.
But after that brief feeling, I started to feel disappointed and anxious again. I realised that my problem wasn't what I had, it was what I was going to do with them.
Next week I have to choose my A Level options. These are meant to be based on what I'm planning to do in University and then as a job. Now, how am I meant to choose the right A Levels when I have absolutely no idea what I want to do.
That's quite scary isn't it...not having a desire to be anything. Not having a plan, and a plan B if that doesn't work out.
Right now, my future is a complete blur.
And some people may say that's great. That I can be anything that I want to be, that "The world your oyster" and blah blah blah...
All I know at this moment in time, is that I don't want to end up in a job I hate.
I suppose my problem is that I'm not quite special. I'm not the best at anything, not at science, maths or music.
I mean, you won't see me making any scientific discoveries or walking down the red carpet any time soon.
If anything, I'd say I'm average.
And the worst thing is, I've become rather accustomed to being "The Average Eleri", Aged 16 with no ambitions.
I've only just figured out who I am as now. How am I meant to know who I want to be in 10 years time.
Maybe I'll still be "The Average Eleri", Aged 26 with no ambitions.
So I realised... Regardless of what grades were in that brown envelope, whether they were the best or the worst, I would still be disappointed somewhere along the line because those grades didn't tell me what I should be doing, what my calling is.
And it seems that the futures all that matters right now. I've been bombarded with the question "So, What do you want to do? What job do you want?" and got bored of the shocked face I see looking at me when I reply with a simple "I don't know"
Well, that's rather depressing isn't it.
Ps... Does anyone else feel/felt like this. Please let me know, it may make me feel less 'eh' and a little more sure that my future may turn out 'okay'
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